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How to Have the Best Relationship with Yourself

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It’s never too late to build a solid relationship with the most important person in your life – YOU. Whether you’re a content creator or just someone seeking self-discovery, understanding and nurturing your connection with yourself is the ultimate game-changer.

 

Unlocking the Power of Self-Connection:

Amongst all the competing demands of life, our relationship with ourselves sets the stage for everything else. It’s not about being the “best friend” to yourself, but rather becoming a reliable companion and ally. Think of it as building the foundations of a strong, supportive friendship within.

Practical Steps to Strengthen Your Self-Relationship:

Crafting the best relationship with yourself is a journey filled with self-discovery, kindness, and growth. Here are some practical steps you can take to a fulfilling connection with yourself.

Set Intentions and Stay Aware:
Begin by setting a thoughtful intention to cultivate a positive relationship with yourself. Recognize that this is an ongoing journey, and your goals will evolve over time. Keep your eyes on the long-term, knowing that the path may meander but always leads to growth. Stay aware of your thoughts, feelings, and needs, adapting your approach as you grow.

Plan for Now, Soon, and Later:
Break down your self-relationship goals into manageable steps. Establish short-term habits that bring immediate joy, plan for middle-term milestones, and envision the person you want to become in the long term.  Balancing immediate gratification with long-term satisfaction is key. It’s not about perfection; it’s about progress. A well-thought-out plan is your roadmap to success.

Embrace Change with Curiosity and Acceptance:
Change is inevitable, and that’s a good thing. Approach your self-relationship with curiosity. Embrace changes with open arms, understanding that growth is a beautiful, ever-evolving process. Accept yourself in each phase of this journey, appreciating the uniqueness that defines you.

Prioritize Basic Self-Care:
Your body and mind are the canvas of your self-relationship. Start with the basics – quality sleep, nutritious food, regular activity, and mental well-being. Nurturing your body and mind will lay the foundation for a resilient and sustainable self-relationship. Caring for your physical needs builds trust and affection toward yourself and your ability to prioritize your well-being.

Be Kind to You:
Work toward appraising yourself with kindness, avoiding destructive criticism. Act as your own cheerleader and appreciate your efforts and progress. Self-reflection doesn’t mean self-blame. Be honest and take responsibility, but do it with a gentle touch. You’re a work in progress, not a finished masterpiece. Self-kindness is the fuel that propels you forward, fostering a sense of pride and self-worth.

Surround Yourself with Supportive Souls:
Connect with people who align with your self-relationship goals. Positive relationships serve as models and support systems. Cultivate connections that uplift and inspire, forging connections with those who share similar self-growth goals. A supportive community provides understanding, encouragement, and a sense of belonging.

Blend Realistic Optimism with Action:
Perfectionism is the nemesis of sustainable change. Embrace a mindset of realistic optimism by setting achievable goals and building on them. Be patient and celebrate small victories – they pave the way for lasting transformation. Optimism becomes a powerful ally in sustaining positive change.

Create a Personal Crisis Plan:
Life brings challenges, of that we can be certain. Having a crisis plan is your anchor during stormy times. Anticipate challenges by having trusted individuals ready to provide perspective. Write down your thoughts, and remind yourself of your long-term goals during difficult moments.

Infuse Meaning into Activities:
Seek meaning in work, hobbies, relationships, and personal connections. Meaningful activities provide satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. Your passions contribute to a fulfilling existence – explore them with genuine curiosity and entertainment, enhancing the quality of your relationship with yourself.

Establish Positive Daily Habits:
Start each day with positive intentions. Remind yourself of your long-term goals, review key practices, and navigate your day with purpose. Although spontaneity is crucial, keeping your goals in mind ensures actions that support your self-relationship journey.

Speak Love to Yourself:
Be mindful of your inner dialogue. Notice when you’re being overly critical, slow down, and replace it with gentle, kind and supportive words. Conversations with yourself can be empowering – choose words that uplift and nurture. Transformative self-talk is a powerful tool for cultivating self-compassion.

Escape the “Selfish Trap”:
Challenge the notion that self-care is selfish. There is a difference between healthy self-focus and self-centeredness. Reject the idea that taking care of your needs is indulgent, and recognize that prioritizing your needs is a necessity for a thriving self-relationship. Overcome guilt associated with self-care. It’s not selfish – it’s necessary!

 

A Transformative Journey

Cultivating the best relationship with yourself is a transformative journey. Be patient, stay kind, and revel in the joy of self-discovery. As you nurture this connection, may you find profound happiness, resilience, and an unwavering love for the incredible person you are becoming. Embrace the adventure, celebrate progress, and enjoy the evolving connection with the extraordinary person you are!

If you need support, you can apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

 

Photo by De’Andre Bush on Unsplash

Love and Mental Well-Being: Tips for Improving Your Relationships

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In life, relationships and feeling good go hand in hand, influencing each other in meaningful ways. As social beings, we naturally crave connection, sparking the question: do good feelings cultivate strong relationships, or do healthy relationships ensure well-being? The answer is a little bit of both.

 

Relationships and Mental Health

A study from Harvard University found that having people who care about us can make our physical, emotional, and mental health more stable. So, being happy and healthy is linked to the relationships we have. Taking care of these connections is as crucial as looking after our physical health.

In a supportive environment, we feel less alone, less anxious, and less scared. Having friends and family we can count on helps us ask for help before things get too hard, making us stronger when facing challenges.

But having lots of relationships isn’t the key – it’s about having good ones. It’s normal to have some problems with friends, family, or partners now and then, but they don’t have to be perfect. What matters most is knowing we can rely on our loved ones when times get tough.

Relationship Changes

In romantic relationships, a rough patch is common, but it’s the assurance that your partner will stand by you that matters most. If things turn bad or stay difficult for a long time, even being around people might not stop feelings of loneliness and sadness.

Breakups and relationship changes can be tough on our mental health. Feeling lonely and isolated can be significant problems. This also happens when we lose a job, retire, experience grief or go through periods without daily positive connections.

Experiencing conflict in the household doesn’t only stress the grown-ups; it can also detrimentally impact the well-being and development of children. In situations where one person uses fear to control another, it can make it hard for the adults and children involved to make and keep good relationships in the future.

Equally, when we’re not feeling good mentally, it can also affect our relationships. When dealing with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues, it can be hard to be interested in our loved ones and invest time or energy into creating  connection. People experiencing poor mental health might feel embarrassed and blame themselves, making it tough to feel close to others and disrupting the balance of mutual support.

 

Ways that you can improve your relationships:

  • To start, think about the relationships you currently have, and the sorts of relationships you would like to have. For example, you might want to make new friends, or strengthen your existing relationships.
  • If you want to strengthen existing relationships, reach out to people you already know, such as co-workers, family, friends-of-friends or neighbours. Suggest that you would like to be in touch more often, and organise to have a coffee, go for a walk, or do another activity you both enjoy.
  • If you are experiencing a period where you are not having daily interactions with other people, and are feeling lonely as a result, you may need to be more intentional in fostering existing relationships or making new connections.
  • If you want to make new friends or social connections, joining a club or group is a great idea. Check out your local community centre to see if there are any groups you might be interested in. Another option is using an app or a forum that brings together people based on common interests.

Good relationships take time and energy. Ultimately, every one of us needs good, supportive relationships to maintain our mental health, and good mental health to sustain our relationships. Remember that building new connections and working on existing relationships often takes time, but it’s always worth it. Be patient and congratulate yourself for doing something that’s been proven to have a positive impact on your emotional and physical wellbeing.

Get support when you need it

If you are experiencing mental health issues, it might feel impossible to put time and energy into our relationships, even if it’s with a close friend or family member, and even when we know it’ll help us in the long run.
It’s okay to ask for help and it’s also okay to take a break from relationships to focus on feeling better mentally when needed. Balancing both is tricky, and getting help ensures you take care of everything.

If you need support, you can apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

A Guide to Deepening Intimacy in Your Relationship

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If you’re a content creator in the adult industry, you know that authenticity and connection are key to making content that truly resonates. So, let’s explore 10 tips to enhance your personal life and infuse that magic into your intimate relationships.

Understanding Intimacy

Let’s take a moment to define what we mean by ‘intimacy.’ It’s more than just the steamy sex – it’s about building deep emotional connections, embracing vulnerability, and establishing trust. It involves sharing thoughts, feelings, and experiences openly, creating a space for authenticity, and fostering a sense of belonging. And the beauty of it? The benefits are incredible – reduced stress, increased happiness, and a more pleasurable connection.

 

  1. Prioritize Daily Emotional Intimacy:
    In the hustle of life, we often forget the power of emotional connection. Setting aside quality time without distractions, having regular date nights, and engaging in relationship check-ins can work wonders. These moments of connection not only strengthen the bond of your personal relationship, it can also fuel the flames of on-screen desire.
  2. Be Vulnerable and Radically Honest:
    Intimacy thrives on openness, and this holds true for both your personal and professional life. Sharing your thoughts, dreams, and struggles – a practice known as personal disclosure – is crucial for building emotional connection.. Creating a two-way street for vulnerability establishes an environment of trust and emotional safety, enhancing connections on and off the screen.
  3. Improve Intimate Communication:
    Talking about sex can actually improve sexual satisfaction. Research has found that couples who openly discuss their desires report higher levels of satisfaction overall. So, start the conversation about what you like, dislike, and what turns you on. It’s a pathway to deeper connection.
  4. Reminisce & Retell Your ‘Love Story’:
    Take a trip down memory lane. Reminisce about how you first met, your favorite adventures, and those funny moments that define your journey. Research shows that couples who positively recollect their relationship stories have stronger and more intimate relationships overall.
  5. Scheduled Sex:
    Scheduling sex might sound unromantic, but think of it as making the important things a priority. By putting it in your calendar, you’re making a commitment to each other. Understanding what activities turn on the sexual spark for both of you can add excitement to scheduled encounters.
  6. Get Better at Conflict Resolution:
    Intimacy isn’t just about the good stuff; it’s also about navigating conflicts in a healthy way. Active listening, emotional intelligence, grounded communication, and knowing when to call an effective ‘timeout’ are essential skills for building trust and safety. The result is scenes, and personal relationships, that captivate and endure.
  7. Exercise or Try Something New:
    Boosting adrenaline through exciting activities can trick your brain into associating the excitement with sexual arousal. So, whether it’s trying a new activity together or hitting the gym, infusing a bit of adventure can spice up your connection.
  8. Share Appreciation:
    Expressing gratitude for the little things your partner does can have a profound impact on your relationship. Research indicates that couples who make a habit of expressing gratitude spend more time together, increasing intimacy and strengthening connection.
  9. Celebrate Each Other’s Success:
    How you respond to your partner’s achievements matters. An active-constructive response, where you show enthusiasm and interest, is associated with greater relationship satisfaction and positive feelings. Celebrate each other’s personal and professional successes, and you might find your intimacy levels soaring.
  10. Increase Physical Touch – Without Expectation:
    Physical touch is a vital aspect of intimacy. Small, no-pressure touches like hugs, kisses, and holding hands in everyday situations release oxytocin, strengthening your relationship and creating an instant connection.

Let’s embark on this journey of deepening intimacy together. Whether it’s for your personal life or your content creation, these tips are your secret to a connection that lasts!

 

We acknowledge that the adult industry and personal relationships can present unique challenges. Past trauma, serious mental health concerns, addiction or substance abuse, or dangerous levels of relationship conflict might require the expertise of a therapist as a first step. Apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

Dating after divorce: are you ready for it?

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Zelena van der Leeden, MC, CDC® and Jake W. Purdy, PMP, CDC® are the Co-founders of Divorce Management, the first multi-lingual divorce coaching firm in North America. Divorce Management operates on a “pay what you can” model offering certified Divorce Coaching and Divorce Transition and Recovery Coaching. Further details can be found on their website.

 

As I sit here today, the father of four in a perfectly imperfect blended family, I am grateful things turned out how they did. Mistakes were made along the way, but we also did things that enabled us to create a happy space for our new family.

After a marriage you might be itching to get back out there, find someone that gets your juices going and latch on for the ride. Years of self-neglect, needs not being met and a loveless relationship make jumping into something new tempting, but there are risks with that. Starting a relationship might even turn a respectful/amicable separation into a high-conflict nightmare. If you are exploring relationships or already in one, this article might help you avoid some of the pain we experienced and stories we hear from clients.

Illustration by Alisa Zahoruiko via iStock

Many of our clients start relationships soon after separation. Feeling lonely is completely natural, but being alone will allow you to start a self-discovery journey that will help you heal old wounds, learn from your mistakes, grow stronger and become wiser. Before trying to find a new partner, try to get to know yourself better: what makes you happy? What triggers you? What are your hopes and dreams for the future?

A new partner should lighten up your world, but if you don’t know who you are or what you want out of this life, you might end up choosing the wrong partner again. New lovers should not fill voids, nor should they be used to get back at your ex. People who jump from relationship to relationship tend to make the same mistakes and usually wonder why they cannot be with anyone long-term (no wonder why divorce rates skyrocket after the second marriage). There is no timeline for being ready to move on, but we recommend taking six months to yourself: heal and learn to love yourself before giving your heart away again.

Self-care is the path to self-love: take yourself out on dates, exercise, learn something new, volunteer… maybe you have been thinking about taking a course, joining a team or a club. If you struggle with anxiety or depression, you should consider talking to a therapist or having an appointment with your medical doctor (trust the experts!).

Understanding where romance falls in your list of priorities is very important. Remember that a day has 24 hours, so take some time to think how much time you want to spend on self-care, on your career, on your family, etc.

Do you have the time and energy to add someone new to the mix? And if you do, what kind of person do you want by your side? How do they make you feel? What do you do together? How do they talk to you? How do they support you? How often do you see them? Visualizing your ideal partner is not just about looks, job titles and income.

If you find someone that checks all the marks, take some time to really get to know them. The honeymoon phase can last anywhere between 6 months to 2 years, so slowing down might let you see your new partner’s true colors before you make any life-changing decisions. You might want to talk to a lawyer before moving in with someone else or consider having a cohabitation agreement that will protect you if things don’t work out.

Do not introduce your new partner to your children until you are sure that this new person fits into your life’s plan. Some kids fantasize about their parents getting back together, so introducing a new partner too soon might backfire. They might think the new partner is to blame for the divorce or for their parents inability to reconcile. The last thing you want is for your kids to resent you or your new partner during these confusing times. You might eventually want to blend your family, but giving the children time to adapt is in their best interest. A child psychologist can give you tools for discussing your love life with the children: how and when to introduce a new partner, what sort of activities to do together and how to ensure you still have quality time with your children without the new partner present.

Another person to consider when you start dating again is your former spouse. Sounds a little strange, doesn’t it?

Now that you are no longer in your relationship, you can do what you want! You have freedom!

 

Not so fast…

Whether you like it or not, your former spouse holds a lot of power in the separation process and if you trigger them at the wrong time, look out. Emotional intelligence is key when dealing with matters of the heart. Certified divorce coaches can help you communicate delicate matters with compassion and set boundaries to protect your privacy and avoid future problems. When people are hurt they tend to act irrationally and they might try to get back at you by taking you to court, withholding the children or even suing you (we have seen and heard it all!).

This doesn’t mean that you have to live in fear or hide things from your former partner, but if you want a peaceful separation, make sure you are doing everything in your power to maintain the peace and give everyone time to transition into the new family dynamic. Putting yourself in your ex’s shoes might help you understand how your action might play out in future discussions around parenting time, decision making, property division and support payments.

Everyone deserves love and you have been deprived of it for a long time, you might want to jump back into the dating world right away. This is normal, but take a deep breath and start by loving the only constant in your life: yourself. If you focus on nourishing your mind, body and spirit, you will be wiser, kinder and stronger. Confidence and independence are attractive. Empower yourself and the right person will come your way when you are ready. Put yourself out there, but not because you want to meet someone; do it because you want to grow and become the best version of yourself.

Surround yourself with people that energize you and not with those who drain you. Believe that you deserve to be cherished and respected and the right person will come. If they are not right for you, be grateful for the good times you had together and for what you learned from the experience. As cliché as it sounds, there are plenty of fish in the sea and as long as you continue to love yourself, others will want to join in the fun.

 

Written by: Jake Purdy, co-founder of Divorce Management

© Divorce Management 2024

 

Apply for subsidized therapy with Pineapple Support here.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Pineapple Support To Host One-Day Wellness Event – Safety, Stability, and Self-Love

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Pineapple Support, the adult industry’s leading mental health non-profit, will host a one-day wellness event focused on safety, stability, and self-love. The event, sponsored by Sextpanther, Sexyjobs, and Stripchat will take place online on August 24th, from 11AM to 4PM PST.

 

The event will include presentations, classes, and discussions led by Pineapple Support therapists, including:

 

  • “The Art Of Self Pleasure” with Nadège Collot (11AM PST)
  • “Love & Relationships After Trauma” with Devin D’Shae (12PM PST)
  • “Petrified Of Saying No” with Steven Mollura (1PM PST)
  • “The Importance Of Playtime” with Emma Martin at (2PM PST)
  • “Dating Yourself” with Devin D’Shae (3PM PST)

 

“Inspiring healthy relationships with yourself and others comes with challenges, particularly when it comes to intimacy,” says Pineapple Support founder and CEO, Leya Tanit. “Creating a stable personal environment and dealing with life’s uncertainties in an appropriate and effective manner is essential to happiness and fulfilment.”

 

Tanit founded Pineapple Support in 2018, after a string of losses in the adult industry from depression and other mental illnesses. The organization, a qualified 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organization in the United States, has connected over 10,000 adult performers to mental health services, including free and low-cost therapy, counseling, and emotional support.

 

“During this one-day event, we focus on being content with what we have, being comfortable within our lives, and being content with our purpose,” says Tanit. “Through self-love and self-nurturing, Pineapple Support therapists and experts hope to inspire safety and security from within.”

 

The one-day “Safety, Stability & Self Love” wellness event will take place online on August 24th, from 11AM to 4PM PST. For more information about this event and to reserve a place, visit https://pineapplesupport.org/safety-stability-self-love/.

Affirmations

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Affirmations are positive things that we tell ourselves to feel better about ourselves, or others, or situations which wipe out Negative Cognitions.

 

What’s a negative cognition?  Well, that’s all the crap that we and/or others put in our brain over the years that basically tells us that we’re bad, that something’s wrong with us or that we will never succeed.  Here are some examples:

  1. I’m stupid, I will never get a good job.
  2. If people know the real me they would see that I’m a fake and hate me.
  3. Crying makes me weak.
  4. If my parents never loved me than no one will.
  5. It’s my destiny to be used.

 

The result of #1 may be that we feel stuck in the job we’re in and don’t dare try for something better.  This limits our belief in ourselves. Insteady try this, “I can get another job,” and slowly work up to this, “I have  many job opportunities.”

 

The thinking in #2 may make us hide ourselves from others by masking our emotions, beliefs and needs.  Then we never think that we have “real” friends and wonder why we do so much for everyone, but no one does for us. To fix this tell yourself something like, “My friends like me” or, “Some people like me,” and work your way up to, “I’m likeable” or “I like myself.”

 

For #3 we may have been told that we should never cry or that it’s never ok to cry in front of someone else. If we stifle that sad part of us we can never be truly happy (see that Disney movie, “Inside Out.”).  This one will take some action to fix and you may need to allow yourself to cry in front of someone you really trust like your partner, your best friend, or your cat/dog. They may not have the reaction you would want them to have as it may make them uncomfortable and they may not know what to do, but I can pretty much guarantee they won’t go running from the room.  Or you can start more slowly and tell yourself, “It’s ok to cry,” or, “everyone cries in front of someone eventually,” work your way up to, “It’s ok to cry in front of some people,” or simply, “Crying is a healthy expression of my feelings.”

 

If we find ourselves in #4 we may be right, but we may not be right as well. In any case, you’re loveable!  Be selective in who you choose to love, open yourself to love and you will have it. Maybe not the love you dreamed of as a child, or saw in a Disney Princess movie, but a real one.  Try starting with, “Someone must have loved me,” or if you know someone who did love you, a teacher, a grandparent think of them and say, “(insert name here) loved me,” and you can put your cat or dog (or whatever’s) name here if you can’t think of a person.  Work your way up to, “I am loveable,” or “I am deserving of love.”

 

Number 5 tends to be what we tell ourselves when we are stuck in codependent relationships and don’t know how to change and maybe don’t want to change.  Start putting yourself first and say no to people. It will be very uncomfortable at first, but eventually it feels great! We can take much better care of ourselves than anyone else and then we won’t attract as may needy people to ourselves. Try saying to yourself, “I will show myself love by doing one thing I want to do or one thing to take care of myself today,” and do it.  Work your way up to, “I can meet my own needs and will only chose relationships with people who take care of themselves too.”

 

There is a caveat to all of this affirmation stuff.  You have to at least believe a small percentage of what you’re saying on some level.  I’m a big ‘ole girl and if I were to have just begun using affirmations and the one I chose was, “I’m beautiful and love every part of my body the way it is,” I would laugh and never do this again because I wouldn’t believe it.  I would have to start more slowly and pick out some thing I like about my body, for example, “I love the colors in my hair,” or maybe, “I love how these legs have supported me my whole life and taken me to where I needed to go. Eventually I would work my way up to seeing the beauty in my body. Make sense?

 

And it’s not magic mumbo jumbo.  If I’ve heard how fat I was at least 30 times a year for most of my life that screwed up thought is going to be down deep in my mind and it may take years of working on this one issue with affirmations to learn to accept my body the way it is and be grateful for what it’s done for me.  

 

One must repeat these affirmations multiple times a day every freaking day!  It seems like a lot to ask, but you’ll get used to it. I was taught that I should look at myself in a mirror while I said these affirmations and eventually I was able, but at first it was all I could do to mumble them looking down at my feet.  If that’s where you need to start, that’s ok. Just don’t give up!

 

I once worked with a man who thought this was a load of crap.  Literally. He said, “This is a load of crap and there’s no way I’m doing it.”  He was very depressed and unhappy. I told him, “Try this as an experiment for 30 days. Put sticky notes with the affirmations all over your house, your car, your office where you will see them multiple times a day (or put some sort of sticker up that may not say the affirmation, but will remind you to do it multiple times a day).  If you follow this daily and you do not begin to feel better you can come back to me and I will admit that I was wrong and it didn’t work for you.” He really liked the idea of telling me where to stick my affirmations which he believed would never work. Sadly (for no one!), he never got to do this as in three weeks he started feeling a little less depressed and anxious and hopeless.  His wife reported that she was enjoying spending time with him as he was more of his old self and not so grumpy. And it lasted! From time to time over the years he would drop me a line with his progress.

 

So, I challenge you.  Pick out 1-2 negative things that you say about yourself and change them into positive statements.  Find some sticky notes or some stickers and put that positive statement, that you at least somewhat believe on some level, and tell it to yourself multiple times a day for at least 30 days. The worst thing that could happen is that you waste a few minutes every day.  And the best thing that could happen? You could feel better. Go feel better now!

 

Wishing you love, happiness, serenity, and joy!

Mechele Evans, LCSW